Reunification Therapy

Children need both of their parents in their lives.

The overwhelming weight of scientific research demonstrates that children do better with two parents involved in their lives.

To be the best parents they can be, fathers and mothers both need the time, energy, financial resources, to support them as they raise their children. It is beneficial to the child(ren) and the parents when the children feel both Mom’s house and Dad’s house is their “home.”

The break one parent feels when the child is with the other parent can be invaluable to replenish healthy self-care by that parent. Also, the parenting skills of the other parent benefit your child even if they are different than your own.

I am not advocating that a single parent is inferior to having two parents; rather, I am saying when you divorce, it is a tragedy for a child to be forced to grieve the loss of one parent over another.

It is the parent’s duty to provide stability for their children.

Children experience stability when they are protected as much as possible so that they are not the primary ones to suffer loss because of their parent’s decision to divorce.

It isn’t the divorce that causes the greatest damage; rather, it is the attitude and behavior of the parents. In fact, children become more resilient when they face change if they have support from both parents to adjust to it. Losing a parent through death or divorce is devastating to a child’s own self-esteem. They often blame themselves and feel a part of them is missing or damaged. If parents’ divorce and the child has a strong relationship with both of them, s/he is not forced to grieve deep loss; rather, they are forced to adapt and accept something they don’t prefer but are able to cope with both parents support.

If you are a single parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your child(ren) is at least two other adults who are invested in the child’s best interests. Research shows children benefit from adults who genuinely care for them and they feel safe enough with to go to if their primary parent(s) were unavailable. These persons are sometimes aunts, uncles, neighbors, grandparents, coaches, teachers, spiritual mentors, etc.

Children have a right to love both their parents even if you hate each other. I believe you love your child more than you hate each other. Parents who encourage their children to build or continue healthy relationships with both parents are acting in the best interest of their child. It is not always easy, but it is necessary to protect the child from the most damaging effects of divorce.

While in some extreme circumstances parental rights must necessarily be severed…

… (e.g. abuse, neglect, or criminal activity), there are situations where estrangement and alienation have occurred, and it is vital that the parent-child ties are restored.

There are numerous ways the parent-child bond might be interrupted or damaged. It is important to restore them so that the child and the parent are healed from the pain of loss.

Temporary loss is not going to be as devastating as permanent loss is to a child if the reunion process is handled with respect and sensitivity to both parties. If it is not handled properly, resentment and further isolation of the child could result and no one who truly cares about the best interest of their child wants to see that happen.

All parties face challenges when reunification occurs.

For example, the child may find it is awkward spending time with a parent they feel disconnected around. Some children feel they are betraying the other parent to build a relationship with “Mom’s enemy” or “Dad’s enemy.”

The parent involved in the reunification is often in great pain, wondering if their child blames them for the estrangement and longing to let them know what was outside of their control but fearing they cannot reveal the truth of the court battle between parents because of an injunction to remain silent and not drag the kid into mom and dad’s battle. This parent may also feel at a loss to know how to correct a child that they have not had a chance to build a strong loving relationship with, yet they need to say “no” to requests and fear the child will resent them for disciplining them when “you don’t even know me.”

The parent who had sole custody may fear losing the child and worry that the other parent’s return in the child’s life is going to upset everything and they are now forced to share the child with someone they would rather not have to deal with again.

Many times, reunification helps all members to deal with their fears and talk honestly about their struggles in a way that brings acceptance and understanding to one another.

I am often asked how long before things change in therapy or we are done with reunification? There is a famous saying from John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress that is apropos here: “Sooner than you think and longer than you wish!” Nonetheless, reunification therapy has been known to take 3-24 months depending on the unique situations involved. The average for me has been 6-12months.

Here are some common reasons for reunification therapy…

Examples of estrangement:

• One parent moves away to a state and the other parent had no access to child because their whereabouts were kept hidden/secret.
• A parent is required to serve time for a criminal offense and is incarcerated for a period of time so relationship with child stalls or deteriorates from lack of access and time together.
• A parent deliberately causing alienation by poisoning the mind of a child against the other parent and the child refuses to see or build a relationship with the parent until a court order mandates it.
• A parent was hospitalized for months and spent long period of time in rehabilitation facility before being able to resume their parenting duties.
• A parent serving in the military is deployed for two years and the child was so young, they do not remember them, so a gradual reintroduction is necessary to ensure a smooth transition occurs.
• A parent is taken to court with charges of child abuse and block from access to the child. Litigation drags out and the period of time is significant, so the courts want the estranged parent to reunify with the child in a safe non-threatening and/or supervised environment.
• A child was placed in juvenile detention for a year and now is released and family needs skills to help with reintegration, so it is not traumatic for child nor parents.

Reunification Therapy can be court-ordered, such as a high-conflict divorce between the child’s parents. Often in these situations, one parent has taken over primary care of the child (or children) while the other has had limited contact.

In illustration, suppose one parent was awarded sole custody because another parent was an alcoholic or needed drug rehabilitation. The child barely or rarely saw the other parent who did not have custody for years. The absent parent is successful in rehabilitation treatment and demonstrates s/he has built a better life, with stable employment. S/he returns to courts seeking access to the child sand wins back his/her parental rights. In such a case, the judge might order reunification therapy to ensure the process is successful and not sabotaged by the opposing parent who has had sole custody.

Let’s face it…

…children often get caught in the middle as marital unions dissolve.

Reunification therapy is an excellent opportunity to put children first and help them reunite in a healthy manner.

Reunification therapy can also be helpful when a parent is forced to be away from the child for a significant period of time – such as what happens with military or vocational deployment or incarceration. In these cases, reunification therapy can help facilitate a healthy reconnection.

During the reunification therapy, you will progress through three stages.

Education

It’s important that everyone involved (particularly the parents) truly understand what the process looks like and buy into the benefits for themselves and their fractured family.

It can only be successful if every party is committed to healing. For the court side of things, educating yourself on reunification therapy is a great way to show that you are highly motivated to begin resolving the issues at hand.

Assessment and Relationship Building

Next, we embark on an assessment and relationship building phase. This allows me to understand what has happened and what events led to the estrangement or alienation. These sessions will help us to arrange a plan for how the family therapy sessions should take place, keeping in mind that your child needs to feel safe and knowing our process is designed to work for them.

This can be thought of as building rapport together by discussing expectations and goals, while working together in developing a plan to move forward gradually in the reunification process in a way that honors the child(ren) and the parents too.

By engaging in therapeutic conversations, I will get to know you, what your concerns are, how you got to this point in your family and what it is you hope to gain through the reunification process. I will share more about my role as the reunification therapist and what to expect in the process moving forward. This will help you get to know me, and you may ask me questions about how and what I do in this process.

Healing

Once the therapeutic relationship and mutual trust has been established, then we will be able to work as a team to heal the rifts that have been created. As therapy sessions progress, new skills are learned, solid connections are established, and deep bonds are formed so that all relationships in the family can successfully move forward.

Here’s how reunification therapy facilitates the family’s restoration.

A breakup between parents means new relationship roles and rules—as well as other changes that can create confusion and fear in your child’s life.

This is brand new territory and child(ren) have never been here before; therefore, they do not have a compass with which to navigate without guidance.

Some children worry whether the two people they love and depend on the most will hate each other forever. Some wonder if they will have to choose one parent over another parent. Some fear their parents blame them for the divorce. Some actually blame themselves even when they know their parents do not.

I will talk about the role changes with your child(ren). Immediately upon having this conversation with a child, s/he will show relief in their body. It is as if they instantly sigh and relax a little. It helps them to know a new role doesn’t have to mean “no relationship.” We will talk more about this in the therapy session.

Five Stages Process

Stage 1: Review records and meet separately with custodial parent, non-custodial parent, and child(ren).
Stage 2: Meet 2-3 times individually with child(ren) without parents present.
Stage 3: Meet with child and parent together to improve communication, establish goals, heal the pain of past, re-establish enjoyment of time spent together.*
Stage 4: Meet at offsite “fun” locations so parent and child can have more natural interactions (restaurants, bouncy gyms, fun parks, bowling, arcades, museums, places of preference, etc.).
Stage 5: Assess relationship together for growth and improvement. Provide feedback to courts, attorneys and parents concerning progress and provide recommendations.
*The number of sessions varies based on severity of problems and how supportive and cooperative the parents are in process.

Reunification therapy creates a safe forum…

… for both you and your child while facilitating healthy adjustment to these changes.

You all end up being on the same team working toward a mutual goal. Knowing it is not only ok to say what each person thinks and feels but it is helping everyone to trust and grow healthier.

Reunification therapy will empower you to move forward effectively while continuing to build a stronger, loving relationship with your child.

Reunification therapy is a great resource because it facilitates therapeutic healing so that a healthier and stronger relationship between each parent and their child can emerge.

Reunification therapy is also a chance to heal from past hurts.

Adults going through a separation or divorce can lose sight of what’s important. Unfortunately, it’s normal for adults to lash out at each other because we do that when we’ve been hurt. Our pain causes us to act out in ways that we would never have imagined possible, and that can hurt our children and provoke reactions from them that are detrimental to their own well-being.

Sometimes parents in reunification realize they are repeating patterns of their parents. They often tell me how they hated it when it was happening growing up; yet now they are parenting in the same poor way. It is a great relief to be able to admit that, and to see that it is a normal experience many parents have, but it does not have to be permanent. You CAN change what you want to change.

One of my most rewarding experiences as a reunification therapist is the families where a parent was actual “bully parenting.” These parents experienced painful events in their own childhood where they were bullied by their parents and so when they grew up and became parents, they “thought” they would do it differently. Yet, it was the only model of parenting they knew so when challenges came, they reverted to what their parents did to them.

When these individuals realize the cycle can be broken, it is a beautiful thing to see and hear the joy in the child(ren) and BOTH parents. Even though the custodial parent may be reluctant to have reunification take place; it has been my experience that, it was due to their lack of trust that the estranged parent would step up and do what was needed to restore the relationship with the child(ren). Once they see the relationship begin to heal, they cannot help but be thankful to see the positive results in the child(ren)’s emotional well-being that the other parent is back in a good relationship with their child(ren).