Family Therapy

“My family has got to be the most dysfunctional family on the planet!”

Arguing?

Manipulation?

Stoney uncomfortable silences?

Constant disagreements and power struggles?

Dreading another night together where no one gets along?

Something is obviously not working right…

I understand how families get stuck in patterns of repeated behavior or roles that they don’t like and wish they could change.

Parents are at work looking forward to coming home and being close, even thinking of one another and missing their spouse. Yet, the moment they walk through the door, it’s like a wall goes up between them and they cannot get close or feel safe together.

Children looking forward to seeing Mom and Dad, but the moment the family is all together, competition and arguments start instead of connection and laughter. Each member is longing to get their needs met but cannot find the courage to break the cycle or dance they’ve had for years.

Fear keeps us from risking new behaviors. Learning to identify the source of the fears can help us understand ourselves better, so we are not so hard on others we love. The things we learned that “work” to help us feel those we love “stay in their rightful place” can trap us in continuing unhealthy patterns because “we don’t know what else to do” to ensure we survive the difficult periods of family life together.

Change is possible, though, and it only takes one family member to shake things up so it can get better. No, I’m not saying we can control the other people we love; I am saying we can change ourself; when we do, the whole dance can improve.

On top of all this, there’s often a sense of guilt about it.

Do you feel guilty that your family is not as close as you would like it to be? Do you compare your reality to what other families appear to have?

“Ozzie and Harriet,” “Leave it to Beaver,” and Norman Rockwell paintings all presented a misguided, magical idea of what the family unit should like. They couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Families are messy – whether it’s the one you were born into or the one you created.

The term “blended family” is defined as a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships. That dynamic certainly brings unique challenges; yet, all families must learn to blend as change occurs in the primary unit from one generation to the next. And all families are far from perfect.

Families are complicated. Nowadays, we experience many unique relationships beyond the nuclear family unit. These include step-parents, step-siblings, foster children, half-siblings. Increasingly, households have inter-racial families, gay parents, straight parents, gay children, straight children… the list seems endless.

Yet, just as some couples seek and learn and grow to use best practices to build their relationship, some families also do the same! Change and growth are not only possible… but wise. It is the only way to reach our goals!

The truth is that the fabric of today’s family is unique and presents many challenges to keep the system functioning in a healthy way.

Family therapy can help navigate the challenges life throws your way.

We’ll focus on working things out using all the components of the family: as individuals, collectively as a group, as a couple, and with kids.

Like a motor vehicle that has many moving parts, families are complex entities. It is unreasonable to assume just because a vehicle is beautiful that it has gasoline to power it. It is equally foolish to assume a vehicle with a full tank of fuel can drive without the pressure necessary in the tires to get where you are trying to go.

It is important to consider each component of the family and ensure all members are getting the support and attention necessary to grow and thrive.

All the members of your family will have a safe place to find their unique voice and constructively express their needs to help restore or create closeness.

Often we can get trapped in a role and find it difficult to be balanced.

For example, if one parent is carefree or indulgent and always gives in to the child(ren), the other parent may fall into the trap of having to be the disciplinarian and become overdemanding just to offset things, so their child(ren) learn responsibility.

Similarly, triangles can set up in family units where we find one member is the victim, another is the perpetrator, and still another becomes a rescuer. Once these cycles are established, it is helpful to have someone on the outside disrupt the patterns and help the family to change what they want to have different and rebound without being stuck in a role or rut where you can’t change what’s going on or going wrong.

Sometimes when there are multiple siblings, they too can get stuck in a role. Some examples of family roles we can fall into include, but are not limited to: an achiever, a people-pleaser, a peacemaker, a troublemaker, attention-seeking or attention avoidance, the talker, the planner, the host, the black sheep, the complainer, the “everything’s fine,” even the bully or the bullied.

Counseling can help families examine what isn’t working without blame or shame of the loved ones.

By working together to honor each member’s uniqueness and at the same time recognizing our similarity (basic longings and needs), we can travel on the highway together without getting into the ditch on either side. This highway leads us forward in creating the relationship we long for based on our mutual goals and ideology.

Understanding one another and learning how to navigate each other’s needs can help begin to heal wounds, generate forgiveness, and create harmony.

Carving out time to do family counseling is a choice for caring and loving one another enough to seek support and be willing to try something different to get something you are seeking. Each member is respected and heard without the trappings of “habits and routines” of the household interrupting the quality of communication. Many parents report they feared they would be undermined, and I would give their child(ren) too much equal power.

Let me reassure you, I respect the authority of family structure, and I know who is providing everything. I do not think everyone should have the same veto power in any family unit. Responsibility grants authority: however, many confuse authority with power and the child(ren) do not see the responsibility side, so they resent the power parents have.

Children and parents can learn to communicate by respecting one another and allowing the child(ren) to be heard and validated in their feelings even if they are not accommodated in their goals. Being heard and understood goes a long way toward building respect between people.

Certainly, there are times we have been wronged by those we love…

… and things need to be addressed. However, there are other times when we believe something is wrong, it is making us miserable, but we are afraid to address it. Learning to talk openly about our misunderstandings, longings, and pain can facilitate healing in the relationship but also within us as individuals. It enables us to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

Many have deep pain and do not want or feel it is ok to forgive. Please understand I don’t mean to act as if it never happened or that we should not hold others accountable for their behavior. We certainly should and must be safe and wise. Violations tell us a person is not safe, and we need to heed that to create safety or change the relationship.

When I speak of forgiveness, I mean… so that we do not have to experience the hate or rage within ourselves. Neither must we feel a pressure to revenge the wrong by retaliation. It is about understanding that we can move forward without holding on to the pain of our past.

We can (and it is empowering to do so) choose to hold ourselves responsible for letting go of the past so that it is no longer attached to us, making us miserable. Ultimately, family counseling enables us to realize our loved ones are not that different from us. They are unique in personality but similar in longings to be known, loved, and significant to those they love.

Whether it be your current family or your childhood family, I will help you learn how to create an effective family system.

Let’s put the pieces back together for your family.

You need to know it doesn’t have to be this way.

Family counseling can be daunting. No one wants to throw a loved one under the bus in front of an outsider (therapist). We feel we can complain inside the family because we all love the person; however, the stranger will think “bad things” if I say it out loud about our family. Some have said they did not think it could ever be changed, so why bother to go through the pain of exposing it all?

As the popular author J.K. Rowling stated, “Family is a life jacket in the stormy sea of life.” No one wants to cause harm to their life jacket!

Yet, harm and hurt are two different things. It may hurt to explore the painful parts in family counseling; yet, it will not lead to harm. It will lead to an authentic relationship(s). I liken it to the pain (temporary hurt) of an injection to prevent disease (ultimate harm).

I’ve even been told, “Family counseling might make it worse because right now we are surviving; but if we hash through all the stuff we feel inside, it will get ugly and blow apart for good.” If any of these statements are concerns you have, please know I understand the type of courage it takes to reach out to take a risk that things can get better, rather than merely staying and surviving.

We will structure sessions so each member can have time to talk alone as well as within the family unit so s/he can feel confident in their skills to address important matters. We will also go at the pace that works best for your family’s growth goals, because you and your family members are beautifully unique.

Life is too short to let another day go by in turmoil… with frustration and blaming.

Contact me today for a free 20-minute consultation: (281) 900-8040.