Couples Therapy

Can your relationship improve? Can it be saved?

The short answer is YES!

One of the things I hear most often from couples is “we have trouble with communication” or “we think differently.” Well, that goes without saying… right?

You are different in so many ways. You were born at different times; were raised by different parents; have different life experiences; and have different personalities, goals, or dreams. It is not necessary to be alike to have a happy relationship.

Differences do not have to deter your union; in fact, they can enhance your partnership. It all depends on how you problem-solve or how you fight! All of us can learn to assert our needs thoughtfully without dominating or manipulating. It is the foundation of friendship to show respect first and foremost to our partner.

And, as far as communication goes, it is possible to have excellent communication without agreeing with each other. Learning that we can understand and support one another even when we disagree is a powerful tool for happiness.

It does not take a lot of time to learn to communicate well.

It does take courage and commitment to learn new ways of relating.

Think of your relationship as a piggy bank.

You are either depositing or withdrawing or leaving it neutral. Every time you interact with your partner, you are giving or being given an invitation.

What sort of invitation, you ask?

An invitation to engage. You will either move closer, remain the same, or become further apart. You can decide which one you want to do! You did it well in courtship.

Every time we move closer, it is a deposit in our relationship bank. When we move away, we are withdrawing. Negative interactions come at a 5-1 ratio.

Ever hear the saying, “It takes five attaboys to get rid of one gotcha?” This is why negativity in the relationship depletes the “piggy bank” so quickly and why we want to ensure we are investing in having more positive than negative interactions with our partner.

Moving toward our partner does not mean giving in to them. It is possible to move toward our partner every time and send the message, “I care about you and what matters to you,” even when we cannot or choose not to accommodate a specific request they make. The damage comes when we put down our partner or put down what they care about.

Learning to respect and show compassion will build a strong protective barrier against strife and enable us to work through differences with tolerance and even laughter!

Here’s how couples therapy can help…

In couples therapy, we’ll be asking and answering the tough questions… honestly.

For example, do you want to know this unique person you love, or do you wish they would be the dream spouse you expected?

Wives often think their husbands will treat them the way they saw their father treat their mom. Husbands may assume their wives will do the things they saw their mother do all the years they lived at home. Both need to recognize that your spouse did not grow up in your childhood home and does not understand all the unspoken expectations you may have in your head.

We will uncover and learn the fighting patterns you use when you argue and determine where and when the break downs are in communication.

In the illustration, people are different. Some want to problem solve by “table talk,” while others are volatiles. Still, others are avoiders. If I am a volatile who likes to scream and yell and be passionate, but my partner is an avoider who wants to forget the disagreement that happened earlier, we are going to have trouble resolving the matter.

What if you are a table talker who wants to sit down and compromise calmly, but your spouse is a volatile or an avoider? Identifying styles of fighting is important so that a couple can understand motivations and goals. This identification enables them to accurately pinpoint triggers that set them off and identify better modes of communicating.

When better communication occurs with fewer triggers, both partners feel less threatened and are empowered to “do what works,” so they can be heard and understood. The result of that intimacy is feeling close and safe with your partner.

We will look at each of your defense mechanisms that are blocking emotional and physical intimacy…

… and we will work together to release them to grow closer mutually.

We will roll up our sleeves and ask the nitty-gritty questions of how you are self-sabotaging the relationship and not getting your needs met.

For example, my husband is upset that I worked long hours. Instead of me recognizing that he misses me, I become upset because my need to be appreciated was not met. I would respond with an argument that I wouldn’t have to work hard if he made more money.

In reality, I am sabotaging my own goal of getting close because instead of hearing his heart, I get stuck on the words and think, “How dare you not appreciate me for working hard?” Many times, couples do this out of defensiveness and fear. Yet, it is possible to learn the art of speaking the truth kindly so that both persons can grow closer and unify in a common goal together.

When we both participate in counseling to improve our union, he can learn to say the words, “I miss you,” without fear that I will reject him. And I can learn to hear his heart when his words are not perfect.

You will learn crucial communication skills…

… and by implementing them in your relationship, you will have the power to heal it eventually.

For example, sharing with someone how their behavior impacts you and requesting what you need is not difficult. It is uncomfortable and confusing if you have never been shown how to do it.

Let’s face it, healthy relationship dynamics often are not taught. Our society conveys the message that love is enough; and when it isn’t, we find someone else to love.

Once we learn to identify and talk about our feelings, we are in a better position to hear and understand our partner’s feelings. Most of the arguments are not about the facts. They are about the feelings of being discounted, unappreciated, disrespected, unloved, or ignored.

Now that we have identified what upset us (what I call “the wound”), we are then challenged to be courageous and address it honestly with our partner. This feels scary and risky; yet, only then will we truly know whether s/he will rise to the challenge of caring enough to reciprocate.

The reward either way is that we are stronger and enjoy the freedom of living out loud who we are in the relationship. If our partner joins us in this journey by reciprocating in like openness, we will have a relationship of direct and straightforward communication.

These skills can be learned, practiced, and developed, and that is when we begin to enjoy something more beautiful than we ever thought possible when we first fell in love and became an “us.”

In the end, we will find out how each of you is contributing to keeping the relationship from reaching the intimacy you desire.