Co-Parenting

Children benefit from their parents’ wisdom in assisting them as they learn to navigate through the challenges life brings them as they grow up. Similarly, you are facing unchartered territory, and the changes life has brought your way can be scary and daunting or, at the least, frustrating.

Getting outside support as you move through new experiences can support you by minimizing conflicts and enabling effective communication without the emotional barriers we tend to hit when we do it on our own. Many parents find themselves always anticipating what’s coming next, and it is not a pleasant experience. The unknown can make you feel as if every decision holds the potential for anger and anxiety.

Some find themselves avoiding the other parent at all costs. Avoiding is understandable, and it’s another reason co-parenting therapy is beneficial. When you lose a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, there’s a sense of grief and mourning that comes with that. When there is a history of pain in a relationship, this can spill over into parenting.

Many well-intentioned parents struggle with managing their frustrations. A therapist is a third party who can help you objectively see where your challenges are to working as a team so that your pain or anger does not cloud your responsibility to your children. Kids need lots of reassurance and holding, and this task is particularly demanding when you too are stretched emotionally.

Co-parenting therapy is not designed to dwell on past events or place blame for the failed marriage. The problems that led to your separation are not relevant to your co-parenting relationship. It will not heal the pain you feel from your divorce. You need to pursue your recovery and therapy for that.

Co-parenting therapy looks forward rather than backward, and it helps both parties co-exist in a way that the children’s issues can be addressed without having to spend more time, money, and negative energy on repeated trips to court after divorce. Many parents who try co-parenting therapy wish they had tried it much earlier in their journey. Perhaps they might have learned to address and resolve disputes through proper communication rather than spending so much time and energy fighting one another in court over parenting disputes.

Counseling can also help you learn how to set clear boundaries by focusing on exchanging information, not personal sharing so that your children don’t harbor fantasies that you and their other parent will reconcile.

There are also nuances to co-parenting that a therapist can help you navigate. For example, younger children tend to adjust better if they are not transitioning between houses too often, and adolescents usually want more control over their schedules due to school, activities, and time with friends.

The work of therapy following a divorce can be intense, but you and your children can thrive in the capable and safe hands of a caring, experienced psychotherapist.

Remember, it’s not about you… it’s about your children. They come first… always. Remember that co-parenting can be messy and hard. It can be hard to set aside your bitterness and pain to come up with a co-parenting plan. This is why it is so helpful to have a co-parenting therapist.

Let go. To move forward, you must both let go of the past because once you’ve decided to divorce, the only thing left to do is build your co-parenting relationship.

Be teachable. You don’t know how to do this. Allow your counselor to use their expertise to guide you. Your therapist is a new voice that you and your co-parenting partner have not heard before. Your Ex may be able to hear something from your therapist that they couldn’t hear from you.

Learn to MYOB (mind your own business). Going from a romantic union with shared parenting under one roof to a broken relationship where you are co-parenting in separate households brings up many boundary challenges. What is and isn’t appropriate to discuss? Who should and should not be involved? How much should the child(ren) know? Co-parents often don’t have clear boundaries. A counselor can help clarify these new boundaries. Learning what’s no longer your concern can be hard, but it can also be freeing.

Calm down. Divorce is scary. When parents are afraid, they may get angry or anxious and react quickly, rather than calmly assessing a situation. This makes them more reactive rather than proactive.

Be polite and civil. Say please, and thank you. Make requests, not demands. Be reasonable in the amount of time you give the other parent to get back to you. Please don’t write in all caps (it’s like shouting). Don’t curse. Keep your emotions out of it. Apologize when you’re at fault. When you treat your co-parent with respect, they will usually respect you back.

Listen. Don’t just hear what you want to hear. Take the time to try and understand the other parent’s point of view. Even if you wind up disagreeing, you’ll be able to communicate what exactly you object to, and your co-parent will feel heard.

Always look for the compromise. Be as flexible as possible. Don’t make your kids miss out on something special with the other parent out of spite. Try to say “yes.” Then, when you need the favor returned, the other parent is more likely to comply.

Acting-out behavior can most often be seen as a child communicating that something in the arrangement isn’t working. Although behavioral problems can be complicated and usually don’t have a simple explanation, emotional strain or lack of continuity between a child’s two households can present as acting-out behavior. Establishing clear routines and expectations and an agreed-upon plan of action are critical first steps. If we can get parents communicating effectively without conflict and better managing disagreements, often children’s behavioral problems vanish.

Sometimes, separation, divorce, or living in two households creates an opportunity for a child to hide things from each parent, which we call “splitting.” Kids may intentionally leverage their parents’ separation to test limits or break the rules, but splitting is not always intentional. Another big concern that can co-exist with splitting is that kids’ needs, worries, and conflicts can get lost between the two households, and this can cause struggles with learning, bullying, or health concern to fall through the cracks.

We can help identify dynamics that create an unwelcome space for splitting and guide you and your family toward change.

Deciding if, when, and how to introduce a new romantic partner to your children can be tricky. A therapist can help you plan to do this in a way that respects the agreements and needs of the family.

It is so important not to put kids in the middle of relationships or ask them about your Ex’s relationships or a new spouse. To do so can put the pressure of a loyalty conflict on your child or make them feel the need to choose sides. If they sense one parent is jealous or hurt by the other’s new romantic relationship, they may feel the need to protect both parents by being secretive or lying. This ‘need’ can lead to your child feeling an avoidance of spending time with both parents.

When step-parents are in the picture, they play a significant role in the well-being of a family. There is no right or wrong or “normal” when it comes to family. There are many ways to do family, and what works for one family may not work for another. I am here to fully support you in YOUR normal – to help you navigate and define the roles of step-parents, so the family functions well.

It is essential to gear your parenting plan to the age of your children and to be consistent. When they are young, develop routines for them leaving and coming home. As they reach adolescence, adapt to their changing needs.

For children under age 10, reassure them that both of their parents love them. Help them to anticipate changes in their schedules. Plan and help them pack important possessions that can benefit them. It’s also great for each parent to have duplicate items on hand for their children at each home.

Show enthusiasm (or at least be neutral) about their visits with their other parent. It is vital to put your history with your Ex aside and support your child’s bond with them. Making a paradigm shift in thinking of them as the “other parent” rather than just “my Ex” will enhance your ability to keep the focus on your children.

For children between the age of ten and adulthood, be supportive and understanding about their schedule and commitments.

Avoid giving adolescents the impression that spending time with their friends is not as important as spending time with you. Plan activities with them that can also include their friends. Respect their need for autonomy. Teens naturally want more freedom, but they also need a relationship with you, even though they may not admit it.

Learning to solve disagreements amicably is always beneficial to your children, and it teaches them how to resolve a problem positively. If there is an issue that can’t be resolved amicably, you need to agree to drop it immediately and have the conversation when the children are not around or agree to disagree and move on. An ongoing conflict between co-parents is very distressing to children. It is one of the most common causes of long-term adverse effects of divorce on children.

High-conflict Exes are determined to overthrow the other parent. They convince themselves that the other parent is incompetent, useless, mentally unhealthy, or dangerous. They convey their belief directly or indirectly not only to the children, but also to other parents, counselors, and their children’s teachers. They may be angry about the divorce, have fear about their parenting abilities, battle addiction, have narcissistic tendencies, or alienate the children. A therapist, mediator, lawyer, judge, or parenting class cannot make an anger-addicted Ex agree to stop fighting and co-parent in a healthy way.

According to parenting expert Dr. Edward Kruk, some parents attempt to bolster their own parental identity by creating the expectation that their children choose sides, and, in more extreme cases, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite the child’s innate desire to love and be loved by both parents. In cases of high conflict such as these, parallel parenting may be a better fit than co-parenting.

Parallel parenting is a good solution for adversarial parents. It allows parents to remain disengaged with one another while remaining close to their children.

Your children need to be shielded from your conflicts. In parallel parenting, parents have limited direct contact with each other. It is the last technique to be implemented when attempts at co-parenting have failed.

This does not mean that YOU have failed. Parallel parenting will enhance the quality of your life, and it takes your child out of the middle.

Keep communication to a minimum. When speaking with a hostile Ex, you may become drawn back into unresolved issues, and that accomplishes nothing. Stop talking on the phone. Limit communication to text and email so that everything is in writing, and there is a factual reference. Email and text allow you to choose what to respond to and give you time to eliminate hasty retorts you may have made on a phone call.

Make boundaries for communication. Toxic Exes tend to ignore boundaries. You will need to be very clear about the terms of communication. Email and texting should only be used for logistics such as travel plans, a schedule change, or doctor’s appointments, for example. If your Ex uses email to harass you, tell them you will not respond and that, if the abuse continues, you will stop emailing altogether.

Put it in writing. Schedules can be shared via a calendar or in writing. Changes to the schedule should be made only with written agreement.

Do not respond to threats. Hostile Exes often threaten to modify child support or parenting plans. Tell your Ex that any of these discussions must go through your attorney. It is likely that your Ex does not want to spend the time and money to do this but is just using it as a scare tactic to intimidate you in the moment.

Avoid being together at your children’s functions. It’s only good for your kids to see the two of you together if you’re getting along. If you must attend the same event, do not try to sit together. Schedule separate parent-teacher conferences or do curbside drop-offs, so your children don’t have to experience the tension between the two of you.

Be proactive with school staff and mental health professionals. School staff and therapists may have heard things about you that aren’t true, so always provide a copy of the parenting arrangement, so everyone knows what is true. Talk to them as soon as possible. Don’t wait to be approached for the information. Do not be defensive, but explain the circumstances without bashing your Ex so that they know you are a reasonable person who wants to do what’s best for your child.

Let go. Parallel parenting means you have to let go of what happens in the other parent’s household. You may disagree with their rules, but your child will learn to adapt to different rules and expectations at each home. Instruct your child to speak to the other parent directly if they come to you with complaints about them. You can’t solve a problem between your Ex and your child. It will only agitate the conflict and teach your child to put you into opposition with one another.

Know what triggers negative reactions in your Ex. Tiptoeing around your Ex’s moods is never fun, but you have to know what sets them off so you can have more control over how they respond to you.