Teen Therapy
Sandy* was at her wits end (again), after her 16-year-old son…
… ran into some behavioral and social troubles at school.
Sandy went to see the school counselor. She was shocked when the counselor told her that her son, Cody, “was a threat to himself” and advised they go to the emergency room for an immediate evaluation.
Sandy had noticed that Cody* was aloof; he wasn’t behaving like the sweet, loving boy she remembered.
Now she knew it was time to get him help.
Nathan’s* parents were divorced.
He saw his father on 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday evenings for a couple of hours.
The last time he returned to his mother’s house, he told her that he did not want to see his Dad anymore. She tried to talk to him about it. He abruptly cut her off with, “If you make me, it will end badly.” She thought he probably just needed to calm down because, after all, he just turned 13. His body is going through changes; maybe it’s the hormones that are causing excess anger and moodiness. She decided to wait it out, thinking her son would be fine in a few days.
Instead, two months passed without improvement; Nathan’s mother decided to bring him for counseling.
Kathleen* is 16 and a high achiever in school.
She loved learning and hated missing school. She was diagnosed with a “weird disease that makes me pass out a lot.” Having to see lots of medical specialists forced her to be homeschooled.
She misses her friends but is frightened about this disease called dysautonomia. She worries she does not fit in or belong anymore. “I don’t have a normal life,” and she has begun to refuse to go anywhere socially because it’s “so awkward … some friends started saying at school that I am faking.”
Kathleen doesn’t feel understood by her parents or her friends. She wants to “just be left alone.” Her neurologist recommended counseling.
Parenting a teenager is not for the faint of heart.
While raising children has always had challenges, parents today are facing unprecedented difficulties getting their babes to adulthood safely.
Our teens today are experiencing so many emotions, facing so many issues, and dealing with so many pressures.
Although peer pressure itself isn’t new, the world of technology and social media has raised it to a new intense level. Social media is used to coerce and entice our teens to engage in behaviors and take risks that they are not mature enough to calculate. These things used to be viewed as innocent; some even termed them as “a rite of passage.”
The pressure teens face to engage in dangerous behaviors must be taken seriously. They are putting many of our youth at elevated risks for physical and mental health problems. Youth receive pressure to drink alcohol, try dangerous drugs, engage in sex, and even mistreat/harm other teens by posting harmful comments or “slut-shaming,” as well as all other forms of cyberbullying, which can lead to disastrous outcomes including loss of life(s).
We are used to some kids dropping out of high school early, but it’s no longer just the “troubled teens” who are dropping out of school. Some teens feel so much pressure to get into the right college that they’re burning themselves out before they graduate from high school!
Social media can be a useful tool to learn and keep in touch with news and people we love. However, it can have a negative impact on friendships, and it is changing the way teens date.
Many naive teens are engaging with strangers (not friends) as potential romantic partners. Furthermore, even when we take precautions to protect our teens, they are still likely to be exposed to unsavory people, unhealthy images, and sexual content online.
Violent media is all around teenagers today. Gore and violence exposure isn’t limited to television; it is in the movies and music and video games.
Our teenagers cannot avoid the world of aggression and trauma exposure.
Here are just a few of the challenges that are hurting our teens today:
- Poor Self-Esteem
- Self-Loathing of Body Image
- Stress
- Bullying
- Depression
- Cyber Addiction
- Drinking Alcohol
- Smoking Tobacco & Marijuana
- Teen Pregnancy
- Underage Sex
- Defiant Behaviors
- Peer-Pressure and Competition
- Violence in School, Media, and Relationships
- Social Media Exposure
- School Drop Out or Burn Out
- Drug Experimentation
- Rejection from Peers/Romantic Interests
When teens face these challenges, they are at greater risk of self-harm than adults. This is because their brain has not finished developing. Thus, it places them at risk for impulsive decisions as well as the risk of early damage to their mind, which can even affect the capacity for maturity.
The teen’s frontal lobe is not “fully” working at peak capacity, and this leads to beliefs of being invincible with an “it will never happen to me” mindset. The teen(s) are limited in their ability to assess situations, risks, and future consequences. As a result, they may engage in risky behaviors and test authority. Now that the risks are higher, the stakes are higher, too!
It’s painful when a teen does not “fit in.” They are at a critical stage of development where they are moving from familial dependence where their primary relationship was one with parents to needing strong social ties to peers. If they believe they are unable to navigate this transition well, it leaves them feeling lonely and vulnerable. This is why many youths join gangs or other “dangerous” relationships.
Teens are not the only ones worried about their ability to make the transition successfully.
Many parents struggle to support their teen(s) as s/he works through the storm of bad relationships with other teens of the same and opposite gender.
Anxiety elevates in the parents and the teen(s) concerning successful passage from the safety of home to the mastery of navigating in a dangerous world.
Some parents become so fearful that they hover over their teen to protect them (known as helicopter parents). Teens can then feel insecure and inadequate, which leads to years of struggling to make independent decisions and experiencing high anxiety about making even minor mistakes.
Other parents realize their limitations and resign in frustration when they cannot convince their teen(s) to do the right thing or make the better choice. This approach often leads the teen(s) to flounder and find his/her way without getting guidance from someone older and wiser. Such teens are at higher risk for making a choice for temporary pleasure that has long-term and possible lifetime consequences (pregnancy, drinking and driving, etc.).
Parents and teens need a safe place to talk about their fears…
… and their challenges navigating in today’s treacherous waters.
Teens need to know their voice will be heard and protected. Confidentiality is a critical component of all therapy, and teen therapy is no exception.
A well-chosen counselor, coach, or relative that the teen is safe with and knows is a trusted confidante who has his/her best interest at heart can strengthen your teen(s) by providing a strong support system. This relationship can inherently lower the risks by providing one more source of guidance through the maze of youth.Parents sometimes tell me they are most thankful for teen therapy because now, when they talk, “the wall” doesn’t go up right away. Nothing is scarier than trying to keep someone safe that will not listen to you!
It increases anxiety for parents when we try to give just the right amount of information or use just the right words to keep teens safe, without having them shut us out and ignore us altogether. One parent described it as “walking a tightrope without a safety net.”
To whom do you turn with all this? Where do you go?
The school counselor is often a starting point for help – even when they are not the best long-term fit for a particular teenager and their family.
School counselors work primarily with students and parents in the school environment. A psychologist’s training is different than the school counselor’s. Although many of the courses may be the same, the licensed mental health therapists and psychologists are trained to diagnose and treat mental health problems, which are outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
One school counselor used the analogy of a school nurse to a physician. She explained that she was compassionate and trained to provide a certain level of care, from merely putting a Band-Aid on the student and returning them to class or perhaps providing minor medical care for students until parents arrived. However, she did not attempt to do surgery on any student.
The psychologist’s role is at the clinical level. States may vary; however, in Texas, school counselors do not do therapy with students. They know how to provide crisis intervention within the school setting and assess the student to know whether to refer out for additional care.
For therapy to be successful, your teen must be an active participant in the process.
It’s not going to be useful if you bring your teen to therapy. They will feel blindsided (and quite possibly feel resentful) and just shut down.
You can help start the conversation by asking them if they’d like to talk to someone. Your role at this point is to be brave and let your teen know that’s okay when they need help. While it’s true that teens today may be willing to talk about their struggles with anxiety, depression, and other mental illness, there can still be a genuine disconnect between acknowledging the issue and seeking help.
Of course, it is expected that your teen might be defensive when you comment on changes in their behavior, mood, or overall demeanor. However, you can still talk about your concerns and how therapy or counseling can be helpful. Let them know you want them to be involved… and that their input is valuable in selecting the right therapist.
Choosing a therapist is intensely personal.
Teens and parents are both likely to have strong feelings about whether to seek therapy, and fears of finding a “right fit” therapist are understandable.
What makes my work with teenagers a step above the others?
I encourage them to find and honor their unique voice.
I help them navigate the confusing feelings so prevalent in these transitional years into adulthood.
I help them find their core beliefs and strengthen their commitment to themselves and their families to find value and purpose in their life.
I teach them real-life strategies to help them cope with anxiety, self-doubt, and depression.
I teach them ways to handle the dreaded peer pressure and offer solutions to the online pressures building in their life.
Building trust with your teen…
Your teenager will be sharing intimate details of their lives with me, and their comfort level is crucial.
In our first few appointments, we will work on building a trusting relationship together, so your teen is comfortable sharing their world and talking about what is really bothering them.
At some point, of course, your teenager and I will discuss how they want you involved in the therapy sessions. Some teens like to talk alone, and then one day they ask if they can bring mom or dad (or both) in to speak together.
Some teens really like privacy and don’t invite parents to their sessions. In those situations, I will encourage them to include you from time to time and certainly will reach out to you if they are engaging in anything which may significantly harm them (drugs, suicidal ideation, threatening rages). Your teen needs to know that I will keep other things confidential, so they feel safe to talk about and explore their world.
I encourage THEM (rather than me) to be the one to disclose information to you about their lives and relationships, as well as how therapy is going, etc., so your family grows in their understanding of one another.
The good news is most teens in therapy are not parent bashers. They are often wise enough to seek adult input but are needing a little breathing room from “mom and dad” – because they don’t want to disappoint parents. At the same time, they are striving to grow up and make some decisions for themselves because they don’t want to “constantly please parents” either. Certainly, if there is ever a time you have any concerns or want to “check-in,” I am available, and we can talk with your teen or set up a time to speak privately.
Family therapy might be an option for you…
It is not uncommon – especially as your teen grows more comfortable with me – for their therapy to develop into family therapy.
Family members each take on different roles in the relationship, which can provide predictability and stability. On the other hand, at times, these roles can create chaos and discord. It is never one family member’s fault when family lives are topsy turvy. Therefore, it is essential to work with someone who understands the health of the individuals, as well as the expectations of the entire family unit.
Recognition of how each member’s uniqueness (and the dynamic of the various relationships) contributes to whether things work well or not very well in family interactions is beneficial.
To learn more about family therapy, please visit our family therapy page.
Take heart. We can all get through this… together.
Yes, it’s hard being a parent of a teenager… and it’s hard being a teenager. But take heart. It is possible to see your child blossom into the young adult you want them to be.
I will have the utmost respect for our therapeutic relationship, and I would be honored to be a part of your teen’s journey forward.
Let’s talk about it. Please call me for a free 15-minute consultation: (281) 900-8040.
*Names and demographics changed to preserve client confidentiality.